Recently I have found myself asking if self-help books really work. First let me say, I am a big fan of self-help books. I must be I have so many. I believe that each contains valuable information but is not working for me. It is almost like there is something missing, if I can just bridge that gap then everything will be should be. And I believe I am not alone.
If it worked for everyone then there would be no need for the vast array of books on the subject and the number of programs available online. I am finding it increasingly difficult to read these books even ones I enjoyed and found helpful before.
Over the last number of years I have bought and read tonnes of self-help books, in the hope that this one will supply that missing piece. You name the book, I’ve probably got it. It is an addiction, albeit a somewhat healthy one. But even healthy obsessions can be bad if taken to extremes.
Despite all the books I have read I have never figured out what my passions and my true goals in life were. I have struggled to write lists of personal goals that never quite seemed to fit. They look like someone else’s goals or the goals I should want, which is why I have failed to achieve them. I am not saying this is the books fault, because it is not. I firmly believe that this stuff works if applied correctly.
But the time has now come for me to put them away and move on.
The very fact of owning these books is putting me under pressure to be someone I am not right now and may never be. It is as if they are taunting me for not being who they say I can and should be. If I can do it then so can you... they tell you. And that is true, but everyone’s journey is different and what is right for one person is not right for all. Everyone has their time to shine but you cannot force it. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy but it feels right, if it is hard and every day is a struggle then something is wrong and needs to change.
The self-help industry is for people who feel they are somehow broken and can be fixed by a few well chosen words. We choose books because books cannot hurt you, even if they make you a little uncomfortable or think about things for a little while. They are impersonal even though the author is talking directly to you. They can chastise and cajole you but they cannot make you take action, inspired or otherwise. Let’s be honest, most of the information in these books is very similar. Just follow these (pick a number) simple steps and you will have the life you desire. And that, I believe, is part of the problem. We are constantly striving for something we don’t have while failing to appreciate what we do have.
We each instinctively know what is right for us at a given point in time. If the advice in these books does not sit well or the whole process is a struggle and causing you stress then you need to listen and back off. You cannot force yourself to be someone you are not or do something that goes against your personal values. Putting these books away right now instinctively feels like the right thing to do.
I am currently in the process of gathering up my collection of self-help books that are scattered throughout my house. I am not going to get rid of them. The information in them is just too valuable to give away.
I firmly believe that the knowledge I have gained from these books will never be wasted. My books will be boxed and stored safely until the time comes. I have learned a lot from them but in the meantime I am going to relax and appreciate what I do have rather than stressing about what I don’t. I am going to listen to my intuition rather than someone else.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Setting Goals – Part 1
The first key to setting goals is to create goals that will challenge you and drag you kicking and screaming far enough out of your comfort zone to make reverting to old habits impossible, while at the same time being realistic enough so that it feels possible for you right now.
If the goal is too big and too daunting then it just leads to a feelings of overwhelm. The feeling over being overwhelmed is what stops us doing most things in life. It causes stress. It leads to failure and we begin to despair of ever achieving our goals.
In order to succeed we need to make our goals manageable. Few people would endeavour to run a marathon without first putting in a lot of hard training. If we are smart we find a good training program either online or in a book and start out walking and running until at last we can run one mile. Ever notice some days you can run farther and faster than others and some days you cannot run at all. The trick is to persevere – it gets easier.
Once we have run one mile we go onto two miles, then three until eventually we are ready to stand on the starting line with hundreds, perhaps thousands of others as we set out to complete the twenty-six mile journey. It might feel daunting and a little bit scary but if we have put in the training we know the goal is manageable and achievable.
If we haven’t done any training then we are likely to feel very overwhelmed and failure is almost guaranteed. Likewise, it is going to be very difficult to create a massive goal, unless we have succeeded in creating and achieving smaller goals.
What happens when we try to achieve a big goal?
Our conscious mind, whose main aim is to protect us and which is programmed by past experience, goes back over our experiences and brings up all the times we failed in achieving any sized goals and concludes that we probably won’t succeed this time either. The conscious mind knows no better. So we will either start and fail, or we don’t start at all because our conscious mind keeps telling us we are likely to fail this time too, so why bother.
If we don’t succeed with smaller goals then the bigger goals really are just going to overwhelm us. So if you are struggling with your big goals, look to your smaller goals. Achieve success there first. Your conscious mind will soon learn to associate goals with success. Achieving your goals will give your confidence a well needed boost. Then start tackling progressively larger goals.
Or try to break your large goals down into smaller pieces if you can. If you are finding this difficult you just need to put a bit more thought into it. Get out a large sheet of paper and write down everything you know about that goal. Some steps may become obvious. If not, it doesn’t mean you will never achieve this goal. It might just means that the time isn’t quite right for you now.
Write down a list of all your goals and store in a loose leaf binder. Then on separate sheets write one goal with everything you now know about that goal. Prioritise them in a way that makes sense for you, you can always reprioritise later or even lose a few. Review them regularly, giving your most important goals the most time, adding ideas or any additional information you have learned and steps you need to take or may already have taken.
Work on the ones that come easiest for now, get a habit of success and achievement. Know what achieving your goals feels like.
By focussing on goals even when you are not working on them you will find a wealth of ideas and resources become available to you. But be sure to write down any ideas when they come to you, don’t assume you will remember them as ideas can disappear as quickly as they appear.
As time passes you will find that you have achieved at least some of them without even realising it.
Most of us forget that goal achieving is a journey not a destination and that destination may change over time.
Determine you success by how far you have come rather than how close you are to where you want to be.
If the goal is too big and too daunting then it just leads to a feelings of overwhelm. The feeling over being overwhelmed is what stops us doing most things in life. It causes stress. It leads to failure and we begin to despair of ever achieving our goals.
In order to succeed we need to make our goals manageable. Few people would endeavour to run a marathon without first putting in a lot of hard training. If we are smart we find a good training program either online or in a book and start out walking and running until at last we can run one mile. Ever notice some days you can run farther and faster than others and some days you cannot run at all. The trick is to persevere – it gets easier.
Once we have run one mile we go onto two miles, then three until eventually we are ready to stand on the starting line with hundreds, perhaps thousands of others as we set out to complete the twenty-six mile journey. It might feel daunting and a little bit scary but if we have put in the training we know the goal is manageable and achievable.
If we haven’t done any training then we are likely to feel very overwhelmed and failure is almost guaranteed. Likewise, it is going to be very difficult to create a massive goal, unless we have succeeded in creating and achieving smaller goals.
What happens when we try to achieve a big goal?
Our conscious mind, whose main aim is to protect us and which is programmed by past experience, goes back over our experiences and brings up all the times we failed in achieving any sized goals and concludes that we probably won’t succeed this time either. The conscious mind knows no better. So we will either start and fail, or we don’t start at all because our conscious mind keeps telling us we are likely to fail this time too, so why bother.
If we don’t succeed with smaller goals then the bigger goals really are just going to overwhelm us. So if you are struggling with your big goals, look to your smaller goals. Achieve success there first. Your conscious mind will soon learn to associate goals with success. Achieving your goals will give your confidence a well needed boost. Then start tackling progressively larger goals.
Or try to break your large goals down into smaller pieces if you can. If you are finding this difficult you just need to put a bit more thought into it. Get out a large sheet of paper and write down everything you know about that goal. Some steps may become obvious. If not, it doesn’t mean you will never achieve this goal. It might just means that the time isn’t quite right for you now.
Write down a list of all your goals and store in a loose leaf binder. Then on separate sheets write one goal with everything you now know about that goal. Prioritise them in a way that makes sense for you, you can always reprioritise later or even lose a few. Review them regularly, giving your most important goals the most time, adding ideas or any additional information you have learned and steps you need to take or may already have taken.
Work on the ones that come easiest for now, get a habit of success and achievement. Know what achieving your goals feels like.
By focussing on goals even when you are not working on them you will find a wealth of ideas and resources become available to you. But be sure to write down any ideas when they come to you, don’t assume you will remember them as ideas can disappear as quickly as they appear.
As time passes you will find that you have achieved at least some of them without even realising it.
Most of us forget that goal achieving is a journey not a destination and that destination may change over time.
Determine you success by how far you have come rather than how close you are to where you want to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
